The Scrappy Syndrome: Animation�s Most Annoying Anthropomorphic Sidekicks

These days it�s difficult, even for those who are talented and beautiful, to find employment. But what becomes of those unfortunate souls who are functionally inept and socially repulsive?

The cartoon world has an outreach program that places such handicapped characters in apprenticeships. Never mind if their employers are busy maintaining universal tranquility by grappling with the forces of evil.

The following are six case studies.

Orko
Shhh� don�t tell anybody: He-Man is actually Adam, Prince of Eternia - without clothing. The �Most Powerful Man in the Universe� keeps his identity hush-hush from almost everyone, even his parents. Yet, he told Orko. Of all sentient beings, why Orko?

This is one of the many mysteries surrounding the worthless wizard. I can speculate, but does anyone really care?

The pointy blue ears hint that he�s a hideous goblin. Covering his face is probably the only way he can fit in with the genetically engineered beauty of Eternia�s populous. His squeaky voice suggests a helium addiction. This also explains how he stays afloat. And the �O� on his chest is the intergalactic symbol of irrelevance.

He�s supposedly a decent sorcerer in his home dimension. But, on Eternia, he might as well practice Wicca for his spells are embarrassing at best. And at worst: �Thanks Orko,� He-Man chides. �You�ve melted my sword of power. Now there�s no stopping Skeletor from turning us into his personal flesh slaves.� Hilarity ensues. Orko�s defection from Trolla is like Kobe Bryant agreeing to play for a basketball league on Uranus.

To be fair, Orko�s useful in providing two reminders: the idiocy of amateur persistence and �He-Man will be back after these messages.�

He-Man embarks on another public service announcement.

Slimer
Slimer has the voice and mentality of a 2-year-old, and he�s not potty trained. Sadly, as a static specter, he�ll never mature. Over the years, however, his ego has grown along with his costly appetite. The show title changed to �Slimer and The Real Ghostbusters,� and he got his own Hi-C fruit drink. Not only did the little spud compete with the fame of the four men who kindly adopted him - he ruined their reputation. A ghost lives with the Ghostbusters � the word got out, and their business went bust.

Al Roker in the afterlife.

Scrappy Doo
Scooby Doo aired on Saturday mornings throughout the �70s, but, as cocaine was later regarded as a hipper substance than pot, sinister animators foresaw a need to blow some intensity into the mutt�s mangy, metaphor-laden formula.

90 years of cartoon history has taught us that the more admired characters, like Scooby, are lovable despite their glaring flaws. Scrappy was almost flawless - with the exception that he�s unlovable. Imagine Joe Pesci as a spoiled, wealthy, three-year-old, foster child.

Even after several seasons, the pesky pooch never learned the futility of swinging his scrawny paws in the face of a holographic swamp-phantom or a rubber-masked witch doctor. Ignorance and overconfidence is a dangerous mix and a good argument for animal control.

I wouldn�t be so condemning of this cancerous canine if his influence was limited to the closed-circle of four meddling kids (The dopes should�ve leashed the nerve-racking rat to the back of the Mystery Machine before driving off). But he ended the innocence of millions of children - victims of Hanna-Barbarism - and ushered the cartoon world into a darkness that lingered until the Ren & Stimpy and Simpsons-led renaissance of the early �90s.

Sorry kid, even Jesus hates you.

Snarf
Even circuses have their cliques� snarf. I imagine, in real life, a troop of circus performing freaks called the Thundercats would not invite the sniveling Snarf to their trailer parties� snarf snarf.

He may not even be one of the species� snarf. At my most lenient speculation he�s the punch line to the incredible story of a cat�s love affair with a caterpillar� snarf. In an alternate universe, however, Snarf�s allowed to loiter with the famed heroes of Thundera� snarf snarf.

The crusty Mumm-Ra had many opportunities to fry the feeble furbag, but he abstained, and wisely so, because the dark lord realizes that the helpless worm serves as cat bait� snarf. It�s unclear as to why Lion-O would risk even one of his nine lives to rescue the hairball� snarf snarf. But without Snarf�s comic hijinks the Thundercats would face the doom of ending each episode with an awkward silence.

And I hope my excessive snarfing annoyed you, because that�s the only way I could adequately simulate how fucking annoying the little slug is.

Seeing the camera, Snarf is now officially afraid of everything.

Jar Jar Binks
He sucks. It�s no great revelation. So, rather than flogging a dead bantha, I�ll be fair to Mr. Lucas and crew (the poor souls), and admit I�m still holding out hope for Episode III� to see the gangly gungan die die die.

Finally, we understand why Qui-Gon prefers Jar Jar�s company.

Gurgi
Being total geeks, animators adapted the dark influences of the Dungeons & Dragons trend of the early �80s, as seen in flicks like The Last Unicorn, The Dark Crystal, and The Secret of NIMH (Yeah, it was set on a farm, but they penciled in some swords and sorcery).

The Black Cauldron was Disney�s answer. As the mouse�s first PG-rated animated flick, there was an obvious attempt to appeal to two markets - cobwebbed castles and skeletal warriors for the adolescent boys balanced with toddler-fodder like Santa-suited fairies.

There was a miscalculation, however, that there would be a demand for Gurgi merchandise. Ewok plushes were more palatable. At least they didn�t have a face like Pinocchio�s father.

Gurgi�s first line, spoken like a congested Donald Duck, �Oh, poor miserable Gurgi deserves fierce smackings and wackings on his poor gentle head.� If Taran, the young hero, took this muppet-reject up on his suggestion and put his magic sword to use, this otherwise enjoyable film may have been saved from a sentence of 14-years - locked in the Disney dungeon.

As a contrast The Black Cauldron also featured one of the best Disney characters of all time � Henwen the psychic pig. No attempts at wisecrackery came from her mouth. Imagine that - an animal that can�t talk. Now there�s an idea.

Gurgi learns that not all humans lactate.

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